


Alone Again

by bearagony



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Crying, Hospitalization, Hospitals, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Minor Character Death, killua actually communicates wow, killua is soooo in love it’s not even funny, mentions of alluka and nanika, mentions of the zoldyck family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:01:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22518169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bearagony/pseuds/bearagony
Summary: Killua wishes he would be dead at this point.“I’ll protect you until I can’t!”Because hearing those words from a boy who shines like God Himself, a boy that he is hopelessly in love with, is worse than death.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 2
Kudos: 83





	Alone Again

**Author's Note:**

> hello i can’t write fluff for the life of me so please take this bundle of angst thank you and goodnight :)

When it came down to it, he might as well be dead. 

He’s in a room that he knows like the back of his hand. A hospital room that was too small for comfort, but felt like a second home all the same. 

Then again, home was anywhere that Gon was.

“Hey, Killua! You’re here!” Gon is so animated and lively, almost more than usual. He isn’t sure that he can reply with the same enthusiasm.

“Hey, Gon. You doing alright?”

A blinding smile and a nod. “Yep! Never felt better!”

He highly doubted it. Not when he remembers the snapping of bones and the panic that consumed him to get Gon here as quickly as possible. Just thinking about it, he forgets to respond. 

“So, pretty skies, we’re having, huh!” Gon exclaims, oddly bright-eyed for someone in an uncomfortable hospital bed. 

“The sky isn’t that pretty, Gon,” Killua is quick to huff back. It’s the truth. It’s the middle of January and the skies are an endless cold grey that entangles the earth. It’s rather dull, really. Mediocre at best. “It’s disgusting outside. You’re the only person that would call _that_ pretty.”

Gon only smiles, as he always fucking does, and seems to bring in the sun through thick grey clouds. 

“Well, the sky reminds me of you! Everything outside does! The morning dew that frosts my window, the grey clouds, and the soft, new snow. Everything about you is just so wintery!”

“ _Enough_ , you idiot. How can you be so embarrassing?.”

He looks at him with _those_ eyes again.

_No more._

He wants to beg

_No more._

“You should stop, y’know. Could stop.” The words spill from his mouth suddenly. He can’t take it. “All of this, protecting. Getting yourself hurt. You’re just being stupid at best. There’s no reason for it. No reason at all.”

Gon’s eyes speak sadness to him now. They remind him of dainty flowers that Alluka and Nanika would pick when they were younger. So bright and full of life, but they easily withered. 

It was hard to tell if he meant the flowers or his sisters anymore. 

“Killua, don't say that. There’s every reason to. Stop-“

“No, you _idiot_ , there’s no reason to be so protective of me! I can handle myself just fine. Better than what you think. Stop doing this every time! You’re hurting yourself over and over when I could just-“

“Killua-“

“Deal with these problems on my own! You could fucking die if you keep jumping into shit like this!”

“Killua.”

“Do you understand me? You could _die!_ My family is batshit crazy and you can’t _fucking die on me! I don’t have anyone left! Do you hear me?! No one!”_

“ _Killua!_ ”

His body shakes and crashes like he’s been hit with a freight train. He doesn’t know when these sobs wracked through him. He felt so small with tears cascading down his face, down to his black jeans, down onto cold, beige tile. 

“I-I just d-don’t...w-wah...want you to.. lea-leave me…” he whispers, tears smearing his vision. He feels the roughness of a bandage against his arm before equally tough fingers take his hand in a firm grip. He’s sure that it hurts. That it hurts like hell. 

It takes him a while to gain courage, but he eventually meets Gon’s gaze. 

Killua looks up to find himself lost in those vibrant amber eyes and sunshine smile. He pretends the blood smeared on his face, hands and body don’t exist. He’s sure he loves him. Even as the boy he loves destroys himself, he loves him.

“You don’t u-understand. I… I,” he tries to get out, only for a fresh wave of tears runs through him. “They’re gonna k-kill you. Gon, they’re gonna kill you. And it’s my fault… _It’s all my fucking fault…_ ”

“Shhhh…Killua, it’s alright. I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to worry. I’m gonna be here till the end of time, okay?” Gon’s rubbing circles into Killua’s hand with his thumb, blood smeared on his bandages and all.

“I’m going to protect you until I can’t anymore and if I pass on by protecting someone that’s close to me, that I love, then that’s okay! I won’t regret anything as long as I know that I’ve tried. But you don’t have to worry about that because I’m strong too, Killua! I’ll be here as long as you need me to. Because Killua is one of the most important people in the world to me!”

His body trembles at the declarations of love that spills out of Gon’s mouth. 

_It’s love_ , his heart sings to him, embracing every kind word that Gon manages, _you’re so in love and he loves you too. Look, look, look._

It’s so much. Too much. 

_Idiot_ , he wants to say. _You’re hurt, hurting and bleeding. You can’t do that. You can’t love me when I’m the one who made you end up like this._

Instead, he mutters, “C-Can you hold me?”

Pitiful. He sounds absolutely pitiful, begging to be held with wet cheeks and bloodshot eyes like this. 

Gon doesn’t mind either way. It’s Gon, so of course he doesn’t mention, breathe or speak of that fact to Killua. “Of course, Killua.” He feels Gon’s arm slowly wrap itself around his shoulders, his hand giving Killua a light squeeze after settling into its newfound position.

Killua has to admit that his eyes were getting heavier by the second. Crying had that kind of effect on you.

The pair share a moment of uncertain silence. Gon is staring out of the window again and Killua doesn’t want to lift his eyes to look at anything but the covers of the hospital bed.

“Everything will be good. I promise you,” his grip tightens suddenly. Killua doesn’t cry out. It’s not the worst pain he’s ever felt. “Killua. It’s not your fault. It’s never your fault. You’re good, Killua. _You’re good._ ”

Gon swings his gaze to Killua once more. His eyes are soft and full of the love that he wishes he had when he was younger. Killua finds himself gripping Gon’s hand a bit tighter. Gon takes the arm around his shoulders off in order to carefully stroke his hair.

“Maybe you should get some rest, Killua. You have some time.”

He hums softly in response.

It sounds pleasant. Much too pleasant. 

He tries to reason with himself.

He’s worrying too much, he thinks. 

Killua rests his head next to Gon’s body (warm, he’s still warm) and forced himself to sleep. 

Gon’s hand never falters.

As he drifts off and dreams of every _wrong and brutal_ scenario that Gon could find himself in, he finds himself thinking that he wishes he was dead. Dead. Deader than a century-old corpse. Deader than Gon if he kept this up. Deader than his sisters after a failed escape plan. 

Because being dead would always be better than _this_

**Author's Note:**

> you can yell at me on twitter: @neferpitious :3


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